Pains of unfaithfulness

Pains of unfaithfulness

Since I wrote the piece on extramarital affairs, I have received some sad notes from some readers of this column, sharing with me how they fell victim of adultery, the unbearable pain they’ve had to face. A man wrote on how he became brokenhearted as a result of the extramarital affairs his wife got involved in with a supposed friend. Today, the man lives with pain of the doubts on the pathology of the only child of the failed union.

Another woman wrote that the happy days of her marriage had now become a mirage as a result of the adulterous game of her husband, which has landed him in trouble. The lady took him away from her and the children, to be grinding mill like the biblical Samson, at the lady’s home. Poor fellow! He is now a shadow of himself.

These are just two of the many results of extramarital affairs many get involved in. Through such true life stories that we hear from time to time, we get reminded of the high cost of unfaithfulness that those who love us are required to bear when we break our marital vows.

Eugene Peterson wrote a book a generation ago entitled: The Myth of the Greener Grass about the lies associated with adultery. The big lie, of course, is that there is no cost associated with it that “I can have the wonderful life I enjoy at the present and still have this exciting little action on the side.”

However, the truth of the matter is that extramarital affairs will cost you and your loved ones more than you are prepared to pay; take you farther and plunge you deeper than you are prepared to go. Realising that our dalliance cost a price much bigger than we ever intended to pay, it is often too late for most of us. Like one man said, all that he wanted was just fun, but a few months after entering into the affair, he got stuck with a pregnancy that altered the course of his life. Today, that issue from the affair has become his greatest regret. How he wished it never happened.

For the innocent partner of those involved in extramarital affairs, the situation could be most devastating not only emotionally, but also physically. This was the case with former US President, Franklin D. Roosevelt, whose wife suffered pains due to his adulterous game. A historian—Blanche W. Cook—says that’s when Roosevelt’s life changed, she stopped eating, and the little she ate, she vomited. The stomach acid destroyed her gums, loosened her teeth, and caused her front teeth to spread and protrude more than ever. For the rest of her life, she wore in her deteriorated physical appearance, being the cost of her husband’s adultery. The truth is that Roosevelt never thought his wife would be driven that far by his adulterous game.

But let us never forget that the price for our iniquity is borne not by us alone, and not even our marital partners, but our children and many relations. Many children of victims of extramarital affairs have ended up with aborted life dreams and aspirations. As one woman said, it was her mother’s extramarital game that turned her to a school dropout: her father got depressed and could not survive the blow of the adulterous game of her mother. In her words, “when her father died, her dreams and those of her siblings died and got buried with him.”

Many families have ended up with unexpected and overbearing responsibilities of fostering relations, as a result of the irresponsible behaviour of parents, in laws, uncles, cousins, among others. When we betray our love and violate our marriage vows, we inflict pains on everyone who loves us in ways we could never measure.

This is why this issue of sex must be properly addressed within the marriage. Given a healthy marital sex life, many adulterous affairs would be avoided. The truth is that many marriages are suffering from sexual fulfilment, which has led many married people into seeking sexual adventure outside their home.

Sex is the silent issue of many conflicts in marriages. It is usually not always pushed to the forefront during conflict resolutions among couples. We pretend as if it is not an issue. Whereas in the real sense of it, it is the monster that should be tamed in the marriage. Married couples must go all out to ensure that sex is never relegated to the background. All hands must be on deck to achieve exciting sex life. This will help to stem the tide of extramarital affairs, which is fast becoming the rule rather than the exception among us. We must stop at nothing to provoke a good sex life.

Our greatest undoing in this regard is pretence about our sex life. When we don’t enjoy sex in the marriage, we pretend instead of discussing it with our spouses. We don’t want to be labeled as being promiscuous. We keep suffering in silence until temptation leads us into the waiting arms of adultery. Even some of us also pretend with our partners when we want sex. I don’t know why we can’t ask for sex. Sexual temptations become heightened when there is lack of sexual fulfilment in marriage. Yielding to temptation becomes easy when we become sexually pressurised at home without a commensurate response from our spouses. Thus, an otherwise innocent wife or husband is turned loose sexually.

I’ve heard such sad stories of how an otherwise innocent person suddenly became sexually irresponsible because the matter of sex was not properly handled at the home front. This is why I am passionate about couples enjoying great sex in marriage. We should avoid further casualties in marriage.