A Master Piece: Living together before marriage:Compatibility test or curse?.....A MUST READ

This topic, living-in with your partner before tying the nuptial knot,
has always been a thorny issue of discussion among various groups of
ofmen and women alike. While many can give a yes or no answer to the
issue, for many others, it is not such a straight forward matter.
Below is a short letter by Clara (not real name), who lived-in with
her man for five years before marriage and different opinions about
living-in before marriage.
"I was married only four months ago after having lived with my husband
before marriage for five years. Since we wedded he has been acting
completely different. He is a completely changed person. He has turned
one of the empty rooms into his domain, complete with carpet, couches,
appliances, and everything you would need in the perfect bachelor's
room.
He constantly has friends over and I am excluded. When he is not
spending time in the garage he is on-line or playing interactive
computer games with his friends. He rarely comes to bed at the same
time as me, and just generally does not seem to be interested in
sharing anything with me lately.
I understand that marriage is a huge change, but my husband never
acted this way before, why now? He is the one that really pushed us
into getting married. I was very hesitant because of my parents' bad
relationship and marriage experiences. I even left him at one point
three years ago, because he was pressuring me so much. We discussed
marriage at great length and both finally felt that it was the right
time, so I do not understand his recent behavior. Is this normal or
did our living together for over five years have something to do with
this sudden change?"
Marriage counselor pastor Mrs. Chika Okafor is of the opinion that
living as a couple before marriage is surely not the right way to
start a family and this will in no way lead the relationship to
marriage.
"These days many people decide not to get married and feel becoming a
live-in couple is a solution to what they think are the problems of
marriage. They have the notion that they do not need a ring to prove
commitment to the relationship. There is no moral justification for a
couple to live together for months not to talk of years, before they
think of getting married.
"Any couple that indulges in such is not being sincere with each other
and is really not ready to commit to each other. No serious man would
want to live with his wife to be for years before deciding to make it
official. There are no two ways or deceptive ways to go about it. It's
either the marriage is done and they live together or they stay apart
and work towards getting their marriage consolidated," the pastor
notes.
Just like there are always two sides to a story or a coin, so are
there varying responses tothis topic. Many argue that there is the
need for intending couples to live together for at least a year so
that they can test their compatibility.
Anne Ikenna, an undergraduate says: "Marriage is not something we
should rush into. Sometimes, these things need time, to be studied. We
all have different personalities, so there is no harm in trying to
know if the person one is getting married to issomeone you can
actually spend the rest of your life with.
"If after staying together for a year during courtship, they cannot
get along, then it is a clear indication that they are not meant to be
married. But if after one year, there are no problems,they can then
decide to get married and spend the rest of their lives together."
But Mrs. Victoria Adelekan is of a different opinion: "Living together
first is a mistake. It is looked down on by many culturally,
religiously and it is against most family ethics and values. Dating
allows you to get to know someone and decide if they are worth
marriage; it must not reach the level of having to live together
before you can decide if you are both fit to be married or not.
"Why would a man marry a woman he lives with if he gets all the
benefits of marriage without the commitment? It is abnormal for anyone
to live with a partner for years before the issue of marriage is
discussed. It is wrong for a lady to live with a man that has not paid
her dowry. We cannot keep inculcating the ideas of the West into our
lives, what if the guy had not married her after five years? What
would she have done? We need to apply wisdom when dealing with such
things but then I would advise the lady in question to ask for
forgiveness from God."
Mr. David Omojuwa, a lawyer says: "My dear, they have both robbed
themselves of their singlehood. They thought they were wise by trying
to save up because most times what leads such people to think like
that is finance. They thought hat by staying together they could save
financially and still keep their relationships going. What they forget
is that living in before marriage gives the relationship a greater
chance of divorce after marriage. Tell me, what is new after staying
together for over five years as live-ins. There is nothing new and the
man has seen it all. Let me tell you, if it were me, I don't think I
would marry such a lady that can easily give up herself to me for five
years. Sincerely speaking, to me she is not a marriage material, she
is lucky he even married her. With a family like mine, she would not
have made it as a wife even if she lived with me for a week."
In some societies in Nigeria, it is a taboo for a lady to live with
her husband to be before marriage, says Mrs. Pamela Pam: "Where I come
from it is s taboo; even when you both decide to get married no one
would want to officiate it. Why would a woman want to take such a risk
knowing the kind of beings men are? Many of such women live with their
men for several years while they never propose marriage to the women;
but the man ends up proposing to another woman outside whom he has
respect and regard for.
"Why is she complaining now? She had her fun while it lasted; so she
should relax and enjoy her new life because the man surely wants
something new in his life and she is not."
Research has proved that couples that have lived together before
marriage never end up getting married and those that eventually do
have a higher chance of getting divorced after a few years or months
of marriage. Live-in couples when faced with problems just throw in
the towel whereas it is not the case in a marriage situation as they
strive to make things work out no matter what.
This means that there is really no sincere commitment to the
relationship when the couples are just live-ins. As live in, the spark
in the relationship easily fades away as it only lasts for a couple of
months and boredom sets in.
Living-in before marriage automatically cancels any free time or
privacy for each of the partners. Just as the marriage counselor has
said and also some other respondents, being live-in couples never does
any good to the relationship. Rather, it takes the sparkle and love
away from the relationship.
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