‘To a northerner, marriage to one’s cousin is no taboo’

‘To a northerner, marriage to one’s cousin is no taboo’



Mrs Rukayat Afonja is the Vice Chairman, Oyo State National Association of Nigerian Nurses and Midwives (NANNM). An hausa woman married to a yoruba man, she speaks with TOLUWANI OLAMITOKE, on her profession and also her experience and the challenges of inter-tribal marriage. Excerpts:

It’s a known fact that northern females are made to live a sheltered life and their movements restricted. How did you get motivated to study and qualify as a nurse ?
I initially wanted to study Law, but father told my elder sister who was in the nursing school to collect the form of her school for me. I didn’t want to fill the form since my mind was made up on studying Law. My mother had always said it that when I was young, she observed that I loved caring for people especially the sick. She thus convinced me to go for nursing. After spending a year in the nursing school, I realised I was interested in the course and turned out as one of the best three students in my set.

The complaint has been that some nurses don’t display warmth but are rather harsh especially to mothers in the labour room?
I have worked in the North and the south and I will say nurses in the North are more friendly due to some reasons. In the North, the pain threshold of women going through labour is low because they have been trained that it’s a taboo to shout in the labour room. They must bear the pain. Therefore nurses there don’t undergo much stress attending to women in labour.

But the reverse is the case in the south where the pain threshold is high among Yoruba and Igbo women. These people react sharply to pain, screaming and shouting and sometimes cursing their husbands. At moments like these, nurses try to calm them down. But some don’t just cooperate with them or take to instructions. This attitude is harmful and can lead to the loss of both mother and child. At this point nurses can become assertive which women in labour room regard as being hostile.

Girl-child marriage is a common practice in the North. At what stage are parents sure their daughters are mature for marriage ?
The koran says a woman must have her first menstrual period in her parents’ house while subsequent ones should be in her husband’s house. When a girl starts to menstruate, it’s a sign that she’s mature enough for marriage. child-girl marriage is also encouraged in order to discourage fornication.

What say does the girl have in the choice of her partner ?
In the past, it was more of match-making. Family A in a bid to pay back a good gesture received from family B might decide to give their daughter out in marriage to someone in family B. this makes the relationship between the two families stronger. There is also the practice of cousins getting married to one another. This is no taboo since they do not share the same surname. Even the royal families don’t encourage their family members to marry from outside. The negative side of it is that if there is a quarrel, it could tear the whole family apart.

What do you consider the advantage of age-gap relationship?
The man behaves maturely and endures a lot from the wife who is still a child.

Any disadvantage in girl-child marriage ?
Some end up with divorce and others with vesisco-vaginal fistula. But the fact remains that in most cases, the girl ensures she’s well behaved so as not to soil her parents name. But in some cases the girl may not like the man and so run away. She will relocate and can remarry or sometimes go into prostitution. Which gives reason for the high rate of prostitution among women there.

In such a case does the man demand return of bride price paid on her?
The Koran says the woman must repay the paid price according to the required amount needed by the man to marry a new wife.

What does your background look like ?
My dad was born in Zungeru in Niger State. My mum was from Giromasa, shanga Local Government Area of Kebbi state. My siblings and I are nine in number. My dad read up to standard six, worked in Ghana, came back to Nigeria and taught in the North. He later became a contractor. My mum was not literate, but she joined my dad in running his business.

What did you admire most in their relationship ?
The intimacy between them. I never saw them quarrel except once. My dad loved reading newspapers and the best my mum could do since she was not learned was to look at the pictures on the pages of the newspapers. She would keep asking my dad what was in the papers. My father then decided to teach her how to read and write. They started by cutting the boxes of Elephant detergent into pieces and write alphabets on them. She learnt fast and was already putting the alphabets together to form words. One day, I heard her shouting back at my dad when he was teaching her. she complained that my dad was used to shouting on her when teaching her. That was the first and last time I saw them quarrel.

What kind of man did you dream of as a husband ?
I never dreamt of marrying someone from the South West. What I wanted was a responsible, God fearing young man and who is slightly older than me.

Can you tell us how you met your spouse ?
He came for his National youth corps service in the North. before then, I had met his elder sister who was a nurse. She liked me and would always tell me jokingly that I was going to marry his brother.

Were you a hard catch?
I wasn’t interested initially in the relationship and had shunned many suitors because I finished from the nursing school as early as age 19. but when he eventually got my nod, we courted for seven years. He works with the federal ministry of information in Osun state.

How did his family receive you?
They were warm towards me from the onset. They came about three times to see my parents and ask for my hand in marriage.

What were those things you found strange about the life and style in the south west ?
The society was hostile and it took me some time to settle down. The method of bargaining in the market was quite different and whenever I went to the market, the traders would abuse me. my first day here, the biggest of the boxes I brought along with me from the North, which was containing valuables including my certificates, was stolen by a co-passenger who realised I was a stranger and pretended to be friendly. I wept profusely. In the North, you call your in-law who are younger than you by their name. But it’s not so here. You call them brother or aunty. Yorubas like partying. Hausas are straight in their dealings. If an Hausa man can help you he will, if he can’t he will link you with who can. but a Yoruba man won’t come straight. Again, the weather in the North is to the extreme, hot, cold or harmattan season. But here the weather is nice.

And your dressing ?
In the North we wore trousers under our nursing uniform, the use of hijab wasn’t in vogue until recently. When I relocated here after marriage, I was posted to Adeoyo General Hospital. There the chief Nursing officer(CNO), told me they don’t wear trousers under their uniform.

Who to you is more caring, an Hausa or a Yoruba man?
I think it’s the Hausa man. An Hausa man will take responsibility of the wife and children. If the wife wishes, she can support. But in the Yoruba setting, if the woman belongs to the working class, she’s expected to run the home along with the man. And now in many cases, she spearheads the running of the home.

Can you allow your children go for inter-tribal marriage ?
Yes, they can marry from anywhere since they love the person and it’s God will. Though it can be challenging, yet if they are accepted like I was, they will enjoy it better.

Do you eat more of Hausa or Yoruba dishes in your home ?
We eat both. My husband still loves his amala and abula soup being an oyo indegene. But we all love tuwo shnkafa and kunu gumba.